my story

I will finish my story today.
After the divorce I felt ashamed and lacked confidence and really got into the eating disorders badly. It was easier to make this my focus than to deal with my heartache. I decided I would rather die that be overweight again. I went from chronic dieting and exercise to overeating and purging and back again. I looked good on the outside but was the most messed up on the inside I had ever been.
I met a wonderful man who has loved me unconditionally and I felt cared for for the first time in my life.
Even though I had grown up in church and asked Jesus into my heart as a child I had rarely prayed or read my Bible. After getting married and having a beautiful baby I decided God was there and that He was good. I started reading my Bible, praying and going to church.
When I was 33 years old, after my second child, I went forward and totally surrendered my life to the Lord . Shortly after that I received the baptism of the Holy Ghost. Right after that I was delivered from smoking, drinking, and a very negative gossipy attitude.
However, it never occrred to me to pray about my eating. I thought I had to do this all myself and that I just had a low metabolism. So I continued on the diet and overeat roller coaster. Still purging occasionally. Maybe 3 times a year. Anything to keep from getting fat again. God just suddenly delivered me from the binging and purging. I quit doing that as my soul became more satisfied in Him.
Our pastor began teaching us about grieving out the pain of the past and telling our story. I told a lot of my story and grieved a lot but still did not pray about the eating.
Shortly after our church started my Daughter loaned me the book Weigh Down. I skimmed through it and read the part how to feed your stomach and that was the only part I paid attention to. My performance, not the spiritual principles. Once again I lost the 15 pounds I had gained only to quickly regain it plus 15 more pounds. At this point I was driving home from work after weighing and began crying and grieving and yelling and telling God I can't do this anymore, God, this has messed up my whole life. I need your help. All I had to do was ask. He then intervened. I read the Weigh Down book again and this time studied the spiritual principles and prayed about my eating. This time the weight came off. There was then a lot of controversy about Weigh Down and I began thinking maybe I shouldn't be doing this and got very confused. At that point my Daughter loaned me another book using the hunger fullness principles. This book is the plan I have continued to use and I lost the last few pounds. My weight bounced around for awhile and finally settled where it is now at my normal bmi. The weight has stayed off now for almost 4 years. When I gain 2 or 3 pounds it is a spiritual thermometer. I am usually focusing too much on food, not facing my pain and grieving it out, or getting up and eating instead of making God my top priority of the day. I also get out the hunger graph and record my hunger numbers for at least a week and find that I am slipping and really not eating 0 to 5.
Group support is of essence for me. I have a couple of live support groups and do online TW forums and classes. I know in this area I have to keep myself accountable and like the book of James says confess my faults to someone so they can pray for me.
I will continue to post about lessons the Lord is teaching me. My prayer is that at least one person will be helped and that God will be glorified.